Total Recall (2 New Added) : Ajit's Jokes

अजीत माइकेल से.,"माइकेल पिछ्ले दो-तीन सप्ताह सप्ताह, रॉबर्ट यहाँ नहीं था और उसने मुझे कुछ भी नहीं बताया,.नाव यू टेल मी,व्हेर डिड ही गो?
माइकेल,"बॉस, वह अमेठी और रायबरेली गया था!"
अजीत,"स्मार्ट बॉय!"


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रॉबर्ट, “बॉस,  दुश्मन का एक आदमी पकड़ा गया है, क्या उसे मौत के घाट उतार दूं?”

अजीत,"नहीं, उसे सिर्फ "हाथ-पैर तोड़ने" के घाट उतारो."

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अजित ने रॉबर्ट से अपनी चिरपरिचित अंदाज में पूछा, ”मैंने तुम्हें अल्फांसो को खत्म करने के लिए कहा था, व्हाट हेपेंड टू हिम?”

रॉबर्ट ने जवाब दिया,”बॉस, मैंने उसे गहरी खाई के नीचे फेंक दिया है, वो अब भी गिर रहा होगा”

“बेवकूफ, यू मेड ए ग्रेट ब्लंडर, वो हमेशा.एंटीग्रेविटी सूट पहनता है! उसे पहाड़ से ऊपर की ओर फेंकना था.”

(संशोधित रूप - सौजन्य श्री सुन्दर मनोज हेम्ब्रोम.)

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एक बार अजित जंगल के बीच से होकर रॉबर्ट के साथ कही जा रहा था. अचानक रॉबर्ट को एक मोर नज़र आ गया. उसने हर्षित होकर कहा,

“बॉस, मोर !’

अजित ने तुरंत अपना रिवॉल्वर निकाला और निशाना लगा कर मोर को गोली मार दी और कहा,

“नो मोर !“

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एक बार जब अजित की गाडी खराब हो गयी तो उसने उसे गैरेज में सर्विसिंग के लिए दिया. दो दिन बाद वह गैरेज में रॉबर्ट के साथ पहुंचा. गाडी बाहर ही खड़ी थी. वह तुरंत सामने का दरवाज़ा खोल कर ड्राइविंग सीट पर बैठ गया. रॉबर्ट भी उसकी बगल में सामने की सीट पर ही बैठ गया. टेस्ट-ड्राइविंग के लिए अजित ने गाड़ी स्टार्ट की, गियर एक के बाद एक बदला और जोर से एक्सेलेटर को दबाया.

  “बॉस गाड़ी आगे नहीं बढ़ रही है.” रॉबर्ट ने कहा

  “डोंट बी सिली, स्पीड-मीटर देखो, ८० की.मी/घंटा की स्पीड है.” अजित ने कहा

  “बॉस,पीछे जैक लगा है”

  “कमबख्त, ये जैक कौन है? और पीछे क्यों लगा है? उसे गोली मार दो."

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आधी रात के पहले अजित  इस बार अपने दूसरे गुर्गे माइकेल के साथ समुद्र के किनारे एक समुद्री बोट के आने का इंतज़ार कर रहा था.बोट से सोना आने वाला था. काफी देर हो गई, आधी रात बीत चुकी, लेकिन वह समुद्री बोट नहीं पहुंचा. उसका कहीं भी कोई अता-पता नहीं.

  उकता कर माइकेल ने पूछा, ”बॉस, सोना कहाँ है?”

 “कॉम ओंन, इतनी बड़ी बीच है, कहीं भी सो जाओ.” अजित ने बिना किसी झल्लाहट के आराम से कहा.

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“बॉस, दुश्मन पकड़ा गया है, उसे खत्म कैसे किया जाए?” अजित के तीसरे गुर्गे पीटर ने पूछा.

“स्मार्ट बॉय, उसे तुम लिक्विड-ऑक्सीजन में डाल दो. लिक्विड उसे जीने नहीं देगी और ऑक्सीजन उसे मरने नहीं देगी.” अजित  ने जवाब दिया.

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"रॉबर्ट, पीटर और माइकेल, लिली और मोना डार्लिंग, तुम दोनों भी साथ में जाओ और  बाज़ार के सारे सोने खरीद लो" अजित ने कहा.
"बॉस, सोना बहुत महंगा हो गया है, दाम आसमान छु रहा है" रॉबर्ट ने जवाब में उसे बताया.
"कोई बात  नहीं, तब तुमलोग सारा पारा खरीद लो"
"लेकिन पारा क्यों बॉस?" माइकेल ने पूछा
"वैरी स्मार्ट एंड इंटेलिजेंट क्वेस्चन, सोना के बाद पारा का नंबर है. सोना का एटोमिक नंबर 79 है, जबकि पारा का 80 है" अजित ने उन्हें बताया.  

Hold on, Jest a moment!

We have our superheroes Superman, Spiderman and Batman, who do you have?” asked an American kid to his Indian friend.

“Well, we have Hanuman, Shaktiman and Salman !” answered the Indian kid.

Once I heard a catholic priest saying, ” There are some people,  let us hope that they are not many!  Who claim to be Christians and they  go to church only three times in their entire  lives ; When they are HATCHED, MATCHED AND DISPATCHED.” !

As the autumn came, organizers of a race course decided to award the first prize to the horse finishing last in the race.

    When the starting shot was fired, not a single horse moved.  This was repeated again, result was the same; no movement. Quite naturally owners and the jockey of the horse wanted to finish last.

    Advice of an expert was sought for conducting the race successfully with the condition, .as decided.

    He advised,” Elementary my dear, just interchange the jockeys of every horse participating in the race!”

DNA

     In the olden days, for Rajas and Maharajas, it was a normal practice to visit their subjects occasionally alone in disguise or sometimes openly with their small troop and advisers to find out whether their countrymen were happy and in peace.

      Once, a very young Raja went to a village in the country side. For some reasons, he had to stay there at night with his troop. In the evening while talking to some villagers, he was very surprised to see a young farmer. Amazingly, his face, looks and built etc. were very similar to him.

    He called him and said smilingly, ”I am glad to see you. You look exactly like me. This is probably, because my father had stayed in this village for a night, some twenty five years ago!”

    The young peasant replied with a wry smile,” Maharaj, you may be correct, but during those days, my father was a servant in your father’s palace !”

TAG

One subscriber of FB was frequently being tagged by his friends.

He did not find those very amusing. He sent messages to all 
such friends to desist from it.He said," I would rather share myself 
if I like some articles or photographs."

 Many of them asked, ”What’s wrong with it?”.

He replied, “I have a very weird feeling when I am tagged.”

He explained further. I know, in India, when a loan is granted 
to a borrower, the asset created out of the bank loan is to be
 insured. Bankers working in rural areas often finance live-stocks 
viz. cows, bullocks, buffaloes, or cattle in general to farmers.
 When insured, veterinary doctors put metal tags bearing 
numbers on the ears of such cattle for the insurance 
companies. 
Piercing ears with metal and hanging tags is painful; I suppose.

SENSEX

       In the year 2008, there was a global meltdown in the financial sector and resultantly the stock market crashed throughout the world. Indices of stock markets plunged downward.  BSE, was no exception. SENSEX lost 1408 points in a single day on 21^st January and the downward trend continued throughout the year. Baffled investors and traders lost huge sum of money and sadly some of them even lost their fortunes as Sensex came down from 22000 plus points to 8000 minus.

       During one of those days in Ranchi, one Jharkhand-Minister was addressing a press conference on some other issues. One journalist, wanted to have a dig about his concern for the stock market.

       He asked politely, ”Sir, there is a very rapid, uncontrolled and continuous downward fall in SENSEX for the past few months, investors and traders of Ranchi are also suffering because of this, what is your Government doing to arrest this falling?”

       The minister replied after some thoughts, “सेंसेक्स तो क्या, हर सेक्स पर सरकार की पूरी नज़र है. दोषियों के विरुद्ध यथासंभव कानून की तहत कड़ी से कड़ी कारवाई की जायेगी.” (Not only SENSEX, Govt. is having a close watch on all the SEXES; stern action will be taken against the culprits as per law.)

Right Choice

     Family of a friend was looking for a bride for his son. They decided to choose one from a few BA final year Arts students. They sought for an expert advice from another friend. He told them, “Look! while selecting a bride, you just keep in mind; in case of Arts students; if History of some one is good, there is a likely chance that her Geography will not be so good; and if some one’s Geography is very good, her History may be a matter of concern.”

Bong-Connection

1.  In West Bengal, when people express their political affiliation, they say,"Ami CPM kori or ami Congress kori.” The literal translation in Hindi are,” Main CPM karta hoon ya main Congress karta hoon,” which do not have any meaning.

Certain expressions in regional languages are difficult to translate in English or if translated they lose their original character. 

     Once I had a heated argument on certain matters with a very unfriendly neighbour, who happened to be a staunch supporter of CPM. When he realized that he was fighting a losing battle, he cautioned me in Bengali.

     “Don’t you know Ami CPM kori?”

I asked politely, “Sorry, I’m not getting what you want to say actually.”

      “You know very well what I mean.” he replied.

     I said, “If you say ‘ami CPM kori’, I won’t understand any thing, If you say,’ you are either a leader, volunteer or supporter of CPM or you are associated with them in some way,’ then perhaps I might understand.”

He stared at me for a few moments with a puzzled look and walked off without   any further argument and I heaved a sigh of relief.

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  2.   While traveling in a local train, I was amused to hear an agitated elderly Bengali Babu shouting at a hapless young man,” Scoundrel, Rascal. Kono kando gyan nai?” (Behave yourself  or Don't you know how to behave?) He was accidentally pushed by the young man in the rush.

     I thought; these Victorian English words were outdated. The elderly Bengali people are still very fond of using them, though there are choicest of abusive words in English, Punjabi (Delhi) and Hindi (Bihar,UP) widely used throughout India. ‘Mind it’, the words ‘Scoundrel’ and ‘Rascal’ are equally popular in Tamil Nadu also!.I love hearing those words!

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Reason (Story retold)

      In a big city, a gentleman came out of a shopping mall with bagfuls of household goods in both the hands and started moving towards the parking lot. Suddenly a car stopped in front of him and the driver asked him, “Hey, do you own a car,”

 “Yes”. The gentleman replied.

 “Is your car here or in a nearby place?”

 “Nearby.” Said the gentleman.

The driver flung opened the front door opposite him and shouted,

      ”Come on, get on my car, I will take you there.”

The gentleman stared at the driver wondering why this joker is so eager to give him a lift.

       Since the parking lot was at a distance, after a quick thought, he decided to accept his funny request; Moreover, being broad day light, our man was not worried with the stranger’s eagerness to give him a lift; He was confident of overpowering the driver in case he tried something funny. So, he got on the car and gave him the directions leading to the nearby parking lot.

      The driver of the car looked greatly relieved on reaching the parking area and said, “Pal, thanks a lot; in fact I was looking for a parking space for the past one hour and I was driving around like a fool without any success!”

The Last Wish (A story retold)

     One fateful night a Mr. Smith, lying on his death bed uttered his last words to his young and strikingly beautiful but extremely unfaithful wife, “Dear, my end has come and I am going to die soon, so, let us forget the past and as my last wish, I expect you to be true to me henceforth, or else my soul will not rest in peace. Remember, I will be restless and turn upside down in my grave, each time you commit adultery,” His wife nodded in affirmative and consoled him tenderly. Mr. Smith died peacefully.

    Time passed by slowly, seasons kept on changing, but, alas! Obsessions die hard. Our lady, the Femme Fatale, did not change a bit. Her ways of living did not change as promised. She continued to be in her usual self as before and as vibrant as ever. Meanwhile, a friend of Mr. Smith also died and went to heaven. When he met St. Peter, he asked him, ”Sir, I wish to see Mr. Smith.“

    “My dear, there are so many Smiths in heaven, which one do you want to see?” asked St. Peter. Friend of Mr. Smith gave the earthly details and descriptions of his late friend.

    On hearing, St. Peter had a mighty laugh and exclaimed, ”Oh! You mean the REVOLVING SMITH! Please follow me.” And he lead him to the revolving man!

Too Cool ! (Story retold)

   

    Two, not so young and not so old friends were pleasantly surprised to find each other in  heaven. 

    

One asked the other,” Pal! How come are you here at such an early age?"

   The other said, “It’s a long story my dear. Yesterday I went home in an unscheduled hour in the afternoon from my office. When I was going to knock at the door, I heard my wife whispering to some one. I went inside and asked her, whom she was talking to. She swore that that there was nobody. I was suspicious, so I searched the whole house to find none. I felt too guilty for not trusting my wife. Out of sheer guilt, my heart stopped and I died instantly. What about you?” 

  The other friend said, ”I died of extreme cold!   While searching the house, had you opened the refrigerator, I  wouldn’t  have.“

बल्ले,बल्ले!

हवाई सफर !

संटा सिंह पहली बार अपने मित्र प्रो.बंटा सिंह के साथ बार हवाई जहाज में सफर कर रहा था. दूसरे दोस्तों ने उसे बताया था कि प्लेन के अंदर बाहर की आवाज़ बिलकुल सुनाई  नहीं पड़ती है. यह पता ही नहीं चलता है कि प्लेन हवा में उड़ रही है और  ऊपर से जमीन की सभी चीजें छोटी-छोटी नज़र आती है. और तो और, लोग चींटी जैसे दीखते हैं.

    जब जहाज ने उड़ान भरी तो संटा सिंह ने खिडकी से झाँक कर नीचे देखने की कोशिश करने लगा, लेकिन बेचारे को बादलों के सिवा कुछ भी दिखाई नहीं पड़ा. काफी देर कोशिश करने पर भी उसे कुछ दिखाई नहीं पड़ा. अंत में वो सो गया.

   बहुत देर बाद जब उसकी नींद खुली तो उसने फिर खिडकी से झांक कर नीचे की ओर देखा. उसे देखकर बहुत हैरानी हुई की सचमुच बहुत सारे लोग चींटी जैसे लग रहे हैं. उसने साथ वाले सीट में बैठे मित्र प्रो.बंटा सिंह को झकझोर कर और  उल्लासित होकर कहा, ”बंटे, देखो देखो इतने सारे लोग ऊपर से कैसे चीटियों जैसे दिख रहे हैं और रेंगते हुए लग रहे हैं?”

   प्रो.बंटा सिंह ने जवाब दिया, ”संटे, जो तुम देख रहे हो वो चींटी ही हैं! प्लेन लेंड कर चुका है और एअरपोर्ट पर खड़ी है, अब उतरने की तैयारी करो!”

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सिरशाषन

संटा सिंह, ”जब भी मैं सिरशाषन करता हूँ तो रक्त सर पर जमा होने लगता है.लेकिन खड़े रहने पर वह पैरों में जमा नहीं होता.ऐसा क्यों?”

   प्रो.बंटा सिंह, “क्योंकि तुम्हारे पैर खोखले नहीं हैं. !”

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      पेट्रोल की बचत !

संटा सिंह, “बंटे, अपनी कार में तुम पेट्रोल की पूरी बचत कर सकते हो और पहले जैसा ही आराम से अपनी कार भी चला सकते हो.”

   “ वो कैसे?” प्रो. बंटा सिंह ने उत्सुकता पूर्वक पूछा.

   “ पेट्रोल कार की जगह तुम डीजल कार खरीद लो!” संटा ने जवाब दिया.

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छलांग !

  

  एक छोटे हवाई जहाज पर ६ व्यक्ति सफर कर रहे थे. उनमे से एक नेताजी थे, दूसरा एक इंजिनियर, तीसरा एक डॉक्टर, चौथा एक सरदारजी, पांचवा एक साधारण ब्याक्क्ति और छट्ठा उसका १०-१२ वर्षीय भतीजा जो स्कूल से सीधा एअरपोर्ट आकर उसके साथ जा रहा था.  

  उड़ान भरने के कुछ ही देर बाद प्लेन में  कुछ तकनिकी खराबी आ गयी. तुरंत ही प्लेन का सह-पाइलट कॉक-पीट से एक पैराशूट लेकर बाहर निकला और उसने यात्रियों को संबोधित करते हुए  कहा,

  “दुर्भाग्यवश हवाई जहाज में कुछ तकनिकी खराबी आ गयी है और प्लेन कभी भी क्रेश कर सकती है. आप लोंगों के सीट के ऊपर सामान रखने के केंबिनेट के अंदर सिर्फ पाँच पैराशूट रखे हुए हैं. आप में से कोई पाँच ही उनका इस्तेमाल कर सकते हैं. अब मैं आपलोगों को को पैराशूट कंधे में किस तरह पहना/बाँधा जाता है, बताऊंगा. कूदते ही उसमें लगे हुक को आपको खींचना है. आप सही सलामत उतर जायेंगे.” कहकर उसने साथ में लाये हुए पैराशूट को अपने कंधे पर उसमें लगे दो स्ट्रैप के सहारे पहन लिया और प्लेन का दरवाज़ा खोलकर नीचे कूद गया.   

   प्लेन के पाइलट ने फ्लाईट-कंट्रोल को ऑटो-पाइलट मोड में फिक्स किया, कॉक-पीट में ही रखे एक पैराशूट को कंधे पर लगाया और बाहर निकल कर दरवाज़े से नीचे कूद गया.

   अब यात्रियों की बारी आई तो सबसे पहले नेताजी ने आनन्-फानन में केबिनेट से एक पैराशूट निकाल कर कन्धों पर पहन लिया और कहा, ”भाइयो, देश में भ्रष्टाचार का राज है, घोटाला है, आतंकवादी आतंक फैला रहे हैं, मंहगाई आसमान छू रही है, इस परिस्थिति में देश को मुझ जैसे नेता की सख्त जरूरत है. इसलिए पहले मैं चला.” और वह नीचे कूद गया.

   इंजिनियर भी तुरंत उठ खड़ा हुआ और एक पैराशूट पहनते-पहनते बोला, ”उद्द्योग-धंदे और देश के विकास के लिए लोगों को मेरी ज्यादा ही आवश्यकता है इसलिए मैं भी चला.” वह भी कूद गया.

   डॉक्टर साहब को भी देश के लोगों की स्वास्थ्य की बहुत चिंता थी और वह भी तुरंत एक पैराशूट के साथ कूद गया.

   सरदार जी ने भी फटाफट एक पैराशूट निकाल कर उसके दोनों स्ट्रैप के सहारे उसे कंधे पर फिक्स किया और कहा, ”भाई साब, मेरे को मालुम नहीं है जी कि देश को मेरी जरूरत है कि नहीं, लेकिन मेरा आज पटियाला पहुचना जरूरी है. इसलिए दोनों को बाई-बाई!” इसके साथ ही उसने दरवाजे से नीचे छलांग लगा दी!

   अब बच गए बेचारे चाचा और भतीजा. आदमी दो और पैराशूट एक ! चाचा ने कहा, “भतीजे, एक ही पैराशूट बचा है, तुम ही उसके सहारे तुरंत कूद जाओ, अभी तुम्हारी उम्र ही क्या है, लंबी जिंदगी अभी बाकी है, तुम्हे दुनिया देखनी है, मेरा क्या, आज हूँ, कल रहूँगा कि नहीं, कोई ठीक नहीं. इस प्लेन के साथ मेरा जो भी हाल होगा देखा जायेगा. किस्मत अच्छी रही तो शायद बच भी जाऊं.”

   “अरे चाचा जी, आप घबडा क्यों रहे हैं! हमारे पास अभी भी दो पैराशूट हैं.” कह कर भतीजे ने क्षण भर की भी देरी किये बिना ऊपर के केबिनेट से दो पैराशूट निकाल लिए. एक उसने अपने पहन लिया, एक चाचा को पहनने के लिए दिया और आगे कहा,

   “चाचा जी, दरअसल वो सरदार जी हड़बड़ी में मेरा स्कूल का बैग कंधे में में बाँध कर कूद गया है और अब शायद पटियाला भी पहुँच गया होगा!”

***

Catch of the Match

   

1.   A very good batsman, but certainly a weak link of the team so far as fielding was concerned, a butterfingered in cricketing terms, was fielding at long-leg near the boundary line. He had already dropped three skiers earlier in the match.

      When the fourth skier came on his way, after a lot of juggling, he somehow managed to hold on, on his third attempt. Over delighted on his success, he hurled the ball up high in the air and caught it again. He did same again. Out of sheer delight when he was tossing the ball up for the third time, came a furious shout from the captain,

     “Hey you fool! For heaven's sake, throw the ball to the wicket keeper, it was a damn bloody ‘NO BALL’! And the batsmen have already run three!”

+++

      2. In another cricket match, bowlers were in a full cry, wickets were falling at regular intervals. After the fall of yet another wicket, a very nervous batsman reached the crease. He asked the umpire for an unusual off stump guard.

      When the fierce fast bowler was about to start running, the batsman stopped him and he asked the umpire to help him to change is guard to middle stump.

     Again, after a very long run up, when the bowler was about to deliver the ball, the batsman stopped him and requested the umpire for the third time to help him change his guard to leg stump.

    The bowler stared him in rage and returned to his run-up sulking all his way. The irritated umpire also shouted at the batsman, “Hey, what the hell do you think, you want?”

    “To be frank sir, I want a slow full-toss out side the leg-stump, so that I can dispatch the ball to the boundary” came a curt reply from the batsman.

Oh ! Doctor !

    

Patient, 'Doc. are you sure that I am having pneumonia?'
Doc., “Yes certainly."
Patient  'Well, I am worried that sometimes doctors treat for
pneumonia and the patients die of typhoid.'
Doc :'Don't worry, when I treat someone for pneumonia,
he will die of pneumonia only.'

     

Patient to the doctor before a serious operation, "Doc. saheb, will I survive? I heard that only one out of hundred in these cases

survive."
      Doc. "Yes, definitely you will. I have already operated on 99 patients in similar cases and all have died. You will be my 100th patient."

 In a socialites’ party one lady said to the other,

”I know a couple in my neighborhood who were married for 15 years now and for the last 10-11 years, the husband never went out of their house!” 

 “Wow, that’s what I call ‘LOVE”,

 “But, their family doctor calls it ‘paralysis!’ said the first.                                 .                                                                              

एक था शेर !

  एक बार एक घमंडी शेर जंगल में में घूम रहा था .उसे रास्ते में एक खरगोश मिला.तो उसने उससे पूछा, ”बताओ, जंगल का राजा कौन है?” खरगोश ने जवाब दिया, ”आप ही हैं मालिक.”

  चलते-चलते उसे एक हिरन मिला.उससे भी शेर ने वही प्रश्न पूछा. हिरन ने क्षण भर भी देरी किये बिना उत्तर दिया, ”जहाँपनाह, आप ही तो है.”

  इसी तरह जंगल के बहुत सारे जानवरों से उसने वही प्रश्न दुहराया, और सबों से उसे एक ही जवाब मिला, ”जंगल के राजा आप ही हैं.”

  सुनकर शेर को काफी तसल्ली हुई. अंत में शेर को सामने एक हाथी नज़र आया. यथावत् घमंडी शेर ने उससे भी पूछ ही डाला,

    “बताओ हाथी महाराज, जंगल का राजा कौन है?”

मस्त हाथी ने आव देखा न ताव, शेर को अपनी सूंड़ में लपेट कर हवा में उठाया और जमीन पर पटक दिया.

  शेर धूल झाड़ता हुआ उठा और उसने कहा, ”यदि तुम्हें Answer  नहीं मालुम है तो कोई बात नहीं, लेकिन इसमें गुस्सा करने वाली कौन सी बात है!”

बहुत पहले शेर को शिकार करने नहीं आता था ,वह  शिकार के दांव-पेंच बिल्ली से सीखा करता था.बिल्ली ने सारे गुर अपने शिष्य को सीखा दिया. तदानुसार शेर रोज जंगल में शिकार करने लगा. इस तरह काफी वक्त गुजर गया.

 एक दिन कोई शिकार न मिलने पर भूखा शेर अपने गुरुआईन बिल्ली पर ही झपट पड़ा .सायानी बिल्ली झट से एक पेड पर चढ गई. बेचारे शेर को पेड़ पर चढ़ना आता नहीं था.

  नीचे से शेर ने कहा, ” बिल्ली रानी, मैं तो मजाक कर रहा था, लेकिन तुमने मुझे पेड पर चढ़ना क्यों नहीं सीखाया .”

  “मुझे मालुम था कि तुम एक न एक दिन ऐसा मजाक जरुर करोगें और वह मुझ पर भारी पड़ेगी, इसीलिए मैंने ये तरकीब इस दिन के लिए बचा कर रखी थी.” बिल्ली ने मुस्कुराते हुए जवाब दिया.

एक मैनेजमेंट के छात्र से साक्षाकार में पूछा गया, “मान लीजिए कि आप जंगल के बीच से होकर कहीं जा रहे हैं और अचानक आपके सामने शेर आ जाता है, तब आप क्या करेंगे?”

  छात्र ने तत्काल जवाब दिया, ”मैं क्या करूँगा? जो कुछ भी करना होगा वो तो शेर करेगा .”

Bon Appetite

    One Bengali gentleman used to work in an office  in  Paris. Everyday at the lunch time he used to go to a nearby restaurant and sat at a particular place of his liking. Incidentally, one Frenchman also used to sit at the opposite side of the same table.

     For a few days, in the beginning they exchanged smiles on seeing each other. After a few days, the Frenchman customarily wished the Bengali Babu, “Bon appetite” just before they started having their meal.

     Since our man did not know French, he thought; he was being asked his name. So, he replied instinctively telling his name, “Amorendra Bhowmik”

     The following day also, the same was repeated. 

     When this repetition of question & answer continued for several days, the Bengali Babu realized; there must be something wrong with this affair and he thought; the words ‘Bon appetite’ must have some other meaning or else why would this man ask his name everyday. So, he asked one of his friend who knew French about the meaning of those words. He was told the correct meaning of the words.

      When he came to know the same, he felt utterly embarrassed. He was very ashamed of his foolishness. Nevertheless, he was determined to correct his silly mistake.
    Next day, they met at the restaurant as usual. When .they were just going to have their lunch, he wished the Frenchman, ‘Bon appetite’, before he could say anything. 

 The Frenchman promptly replied, “Amorendra Bhowmik !“.

Bank:Financial Status.

      

      “Sir, please close my account and pay me cash.” said an elderly person to the Bank Manager and put his Cheque book and Pass-Book on his table.

        The Bank Manager opened the PB and had a look. He said to the customer,

      ”Transactions in your account are very satisfactory and you are maintaining a good balance also, still you want to close the account. Please tell me the reason.” 
      

         The elderly person said

        ”Few days back, I deposited a cheque issued by a company in my favour. The cheque was returned back to me by your Bank giving the reason ‘REFER TO DRAWER’; I searched my all the drawers and found nothing. I deposited the cheque again and this time the Bank returned it to me with the reason ‘INSUFFICIENT FUND’, though the amount payable was very small. So, now I am totally convinced that your Bank is in RED and cannot fulfill its commitments.”

Code Name : PROJECT-SURD

          In continuation to their research work, scientists of NASA, US decided to carry out further studies on the effects of zero gravity on human body and brain. They wanted to send an Asian mathematician to the space keeping in view the unexplored areas. In search of a suitable person they zeroed in on the map of India and finally on Jullundhar, Punjab.

         A Punjabi mathematician named Prof. Banta Singh was tracked down with professional precision, contacted, and offered the job. He was game for the project. 

As per practices and conventions, a code name for the mission was to be given. It was named ‘Project Surd’; surd being the abbreviation of Sardar which was sometimes spelt as Surdar or Sirdar in some places. Prof. Singh was launched into space and put into celestial orbit. The spacecraft moved around the earth for a few weeks in a geo-synchronized orbit; and all the requisite data were recorded as per scheduled programmed. In due course the space-ship returned to the earth. The mission ‘Project Surd’ was accomplished with absolute success and with zero error. Prof. Singh was paid the agreed fee,incentive and sent back to India where he was received with lot of fanfare.

        When Prof. Singh reached Jullundhar, his friend Sardar Santa Singh asked him about his experience in space. Prof. Banta Singh said,

       ” Money, food and drinks served were excellent. To pass the leisure time I regularly listened to the music of Daler Mehndi on Digital Versatile Disc player. However, I could not dance Bhangra to his tunes as I would have liked, since I was floating in a Zero Gravity most of the times.” After a pause he said again,” 

       "Every thing was OK, except for one. I found it intriguing, as to why the mission was called ‘Project Surd’. You know, in mathematics, Surd is an irrational expression containing the root of an irrational number that can never be exactly expressed, like square root of 3. I personally did not find the code name apt, as I was very rational while following their instructions in connections with the experiments."

       "Again, taking into consideration linguistics, Surd refers to voiceless sound in speech. As far as I was concerned, I was vociferous whenever I was in a Zero Gravity state, I always sang and shouted very loudly Balle! Balle! and  हुआँ-हूँ , हुआँ-हूँ. Hence, I felt; Code name was not at all appropriate.”   

      “अरे छड्ड यारा ! की फर्क पैंदा ?उनलोगों ने एक सरदारजी को ऊपर प्रोजेक्ट करना था इसीलिए उन्होंने नाम “प्रोजेक्ट सर्ड” रखा था, जो बिलकुल सही है” friend Santa Singh explained coolly. 

[Note: It is heard through the office grapevine of the science fraternity that ISRO is also planning to send Prof. Banta Singh into outer space with the help of trusted PSLV i.e. Polar Satellite Launch Vehicle to study BLACKHOLE !]

Permission: Bihari-Estyle !

The executives of Public Sector Undertakings or even in Private Sectors appear to be very busy persons most of the time. The bank managers are no exceptions. Usually they are not accessible to the common men easily.

One bank manager was busy with some auditors in his cabin. A few customers were sitting outside his cabin on chairs and waiting anxiously for their turns to come to see the manager. Despite being busy with the auditors, he was also attending to some valued customers at the same time, though very selectively.

One impatient young man went out of his turn; half-opened the door of the cabin and asked, “May I come in sir?”

“No”, he got a very firm reply

.

After a few minutes, a second visitor knocked at the door and asked in Hindi, “Sir, kya main andar aa sakta hoon?“

“Abhi nahi, thodi der baad,” replied the manager.

     Again after a gap of several minutes, a Bengali gentleman asked for permission, “Saar, ami ki bhitore aste paari?” (Sir, may I come in?)

The irritated manager without even bothering to look up at the person said, “Na, ektu pore asben.”  (No, please come after some time.)

Meanwhile, one big Bihari Babu, wearing a ‘Long Kurta-Pajama’, a new colourful ‘Gamcha’ round his neck, chewing ‘Gutkha’ and carrying a leather bag, was listening to the conversations attentively and watching the whole affairs very curiously; apparently he was in a dilemma whether to venture inside or not.. Finally, he got up from his chair, approached to the cabin, opened the door fully, and said very loudly to the manager, “Sirji, DHUKI?”

“DHUKO,” in an equally loud voice, permission came from   the manager. There was no doubt whatsoever; he was dead impressed by the language and the look of the visitor.